Waves and waves of emotions.. honestly, one minute everything in life feels normal again and then the next I am a weeping mess.

Does it ever get better or go away? Is this my new normal?

June 10th will be two years that my son died of an accidental drug overdose… or at least it feels so much easier to simply say that. The truth is, there is so much shady involvement in his death that I can’t even go there.. simply to protect my hearts well being, but in the back of my mind I know it’s there.

Almost two years later and anger is the emotion that is starting to surface, the one emotion I’ve fought so carefully to not show its ugly face, but here it is..

The day he died, I can remember every emotion. The next day, when I viewed his lifeless body, I can recall the gut wrenching sorrow of how sorry I was that this was his story. The day I picked up his ashes, and I knew my life was forever changed.. and that I was going to be a part of that change. Waves and waves of emotions…

It feels so unfair that I have to feel this every day, all the waves.. They’re always there, they never go away, no matter how good or how bad my days may be.. the waves are always there.

Is this the price of being a Mother? Is this the price of love? Is this the price of guilt, shame and regret?? Why do the waves have to exist.. they hurt like hell but often I fight to hold onto them because letting go feels like such a betrayal to my child.

Why does anger need to exist.. I’m not really an angry person.. but, to be honest there were things that were already there when my child died, things that have surfaced since he died, and things that I simply feel are so unfair.

How.. how can the world of addiction be so cruel. Why.. why him. How.. how does his father not say one word to me or the man that raised him not even say his name (but I loved these men?? I think I may hate them..) Why.. why can’t he be here to be his sons daddy. How.. how can people just get away with murder. Why.. why is everyone there when he dies, but now lives are just back to normal (what the fuck is normal, I don’t even know anymore) How.. how can he be dead before he’s even thirty. Why.. How.. Why.. How.. my mind never shuts off, not once since he’s died. I’m literally a chaotic mess in my grief, even when it appears that I’m not.

Please tell me this is normal. Please tell me this is part of the grieving process. Please tell me I won’t stay in this emotion for long. I don’t like it, and I’m not sure what to do with it, so I bury it… until I can’t, so I write because it’s my saving grace and I pray somehow it will help.

Waves and waves of emotions.. I think of the time Jesus was angry and flipped tables in the temple courts. Thats how I feel when I want to protect to my son and the hurt to my heart. I think of all the battles fought, only to be lost by the ending of his life. It all still feels so surreal. I say this often, all the good and beauty that has come out of this will never replace or be in place of my son. I would give it all back in a heartbeat just to have him here with me.

This doesn’t feel good. Anger. It’s not a place I hope to visit long but I think it wants to hang around until I actually deal with it.. How.. Why..

Maybe writing it all out will give me a release, it helps with so many other emotions. Maybe the love I’m given will see it through. Maybe feeling it and talking about it will help me let it go. Maybe this is normal and I just need to feel it. Maybe I do need to get help for it…

Here I am, at the close of writing it out.. I don’t really feel a whole lot better, I’m certain that is a thing only time can do. I just know that here is my sacred place, the place to just be me and share it with the world because maybe it will be beneficial to someone else walking the same journey. Here, I know the love will pour in and it will help with the wounds of my broken heart. Here, I feel the presence of my son and I know he doesn’t want this for me. Here, I feel safe because nothing but beautiful things take place. Here, I simply have the freedom to share my emotions and I know in the end, everything will be ok.

Thank you for allowing me to share the emotion of anger…

You Are Lovely… don’t believe the lie