What does depression look like anyway?….
So many people have reached out to share bits and pieces of themselves, the things they’re thankful for and the things they are struggling with. I knew from the beginning that I wanted to tell people’s stories, because all of this is so much more than just mine.
We live in a time where so many people are hurting, struggling, and believing lies that are just not true. How did we let this happen and what can we do to make a change?
While so many people have shared bits and pieces, they are still afraid to tell their story. The main concern is fear. Fear of what people will think, fear of being judged, fear of being treated differently and fear that no one will truly care.
Lies! Such a big fat lie.
Yet, I still hide from mine from time to time….
I’ll start, I’ll be brave, I’ll share my struggle…
I’m Angie and I struggle with depression. Is that proper etiquette? I’m being sassy.. kind of
Those closest to me already know I struggle with it, actually I don’t really try to hide it but I think at one point I did or maybe it was that I didn’t really understand what was wrong with me, I just knew I was not ok inside.
There are many forms of depression, some all consuming, some seasonal, some daily, and some that comes and goes periodically. Mine is not constant but it is always there…
I LOVE to laugh, it’s my most favorite and most days I am simply happy and loving life because it is a gift and I am thankful for it.
But… there are those days, those times, when everything in my world (maybe just in my head) feels dark.. where everything is unexplainably hard and I just can’t pull myself out of it. The times I feel nobody would care if I was here and the world would be better off without me. I know it’s a lie but in the moment I can’t seem to make the thoughts go away. It’s the most horrific feeling, actually. I’m not even sure I could put the feeling into words, it just feels real.
Looking back, I think I’ve always struggled a little with depression. There are things from my childhood that have caused huge insecurities, choices I’ve made in my young adult life that have caused me shame and guilt and misplaced thoughts as the years have gone by, that everyone else in my life has done life so well and I’m just the misfit that they have to love. Again, lies.
I’m almost always aware that what I’m feeling or struggling with is absolutely a lie but it still consumes me to the point that I struggle to reason truth. I think most people with depression understand what I’m trying to explain. As hard as I try (and I have) you can’t just make depression go away (trust me, I have tried)
2012 was the worst year, the year I realized that I truly do struggle with depression. Nothing in particular happened that year but it was a lifetime of stuff that had happened and it just took a toll that particular year… and I broke… I knew it was bad but I allowed myself to remain in denial until a dear friend, my sister, and my mother stepped in and put their foot down for me to seek some help.
THANK YOU, JESUS, FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN SEE THE LIES AND LOVE YOU THROUGH…
It was a long road and at the time, it felt hard. Pouring out my heart of thoughts to my loved ones, my Doctor, my therapist. Taking medication for a season, figuring out my hormones, diligently doing the things my therapist asked of me, like looking in the mirror and literally rebuking lies that I was believing about myself but it worked and it helped and I will forever be thankful for the love that I was covered in.
I still struggle, sometimes too often, but I’m learning what works for me so that when those moments try and creep in, I can be prepared to fight back. I’ve learned what my triggers are, because I do have them and though they do matter, they should not take control of my heart and mind to a point that I wish I was not here. Because that is not ok for any of us!
I am fearfully and wonderfully made and so are you and we were not created to be depressed, we were created to live freely in who we are. I can not compare my depression to yours and you can not compare yours to mine but each of us can be willing to do whatever it takes to seek the help, or tools, or people, or ways, that will make sure we are not consumed in something that was never meant to consume us.
Depression sucks. It’s hard. It’s scary. It is all consuming. You can not just will it away but there is hope because we live in a time where there are many options made available to us. We have to be willing to fight for ourselves and allow others to fight along side us.
I’m really good at speaking truth over others and with my whole heart, believe that for them. Somewhere along the way, I had to start believing that for myself… and truly know it as truth. You have to do the same~
I am needed here. You are needed here.
WE matter. WE are worthy. WE are loved. WE are enough.
Tell your story, it may just be, what saves another.
You Are Lovely… don’t believe the lie